When I first started blogging I made the decision to at least attempt writing from a vulnerable, transparent place. I began the effort by announcing that I was in therapy. At that time I found myself being called into a new place of leadership in Parkdale and thought it fair to share what a wounded “leader” I really was (and am).
For much of my life I have struggled with internal anxiety. True too, rather ironically, is that I am generally externally calm. Both honestly exist in me. The anxiety reached a point though where I knew I needed to face it in a new way. Deep down I think there was always an awareness this was rooted in a fear of the future: what may or may not happen and how little control I had over any of it. Suddenly, due to a collision of circumstances I realized that my anxiety revealed a lack of trust in God and how I was finding my worth in things other than Him.
As I sit here writing I am struck by how different I feel close to two years later. I worry less about the future. My brain does not constantly churn in a way it should not. I feel more present to the moment than maybe I ever have before. I am slowly stumbling toward learning that my worth does not come from what I do: I am valuable simply because I am a beloved child of God. It has been both a painful and beautiful journey of discovery.
This has all been very good news to my heart. It’s like by squeezing out the anxiety there’s more room for other things, including gratitude. In a sense, I am getting to reclaim my imagination for things other than worry. I am not suggesting everything in me is fixed; I am saying that I am experiencing healing, one baby step at a time.
Two years later, this seems worth announcing.