I was trying to settle into my Sabbath day, but could not shake the unmistakable feeling of anxiety in my gut. I decided to pray- to say out loud all the things that are troubling me right now. It is a long list. I won’t get into them here, except to say that I know I am not alone in worrying about issues both close to home and far away.

As I articulated my concerns, the tears came, mixed with a variety of emotions: fear, anger, regret, longing, to name a handful. Ever so slowly, I began to notice a sense of release. I started to feel more confident that I could find some rest, even if just for the day. 

As I wiped my face, I turned to look out the window and saw, ever so briefly, a ray of sunshine. I felt it’s soft light. I caught my breath and decided to speak gratitude for it, and the many other things that remind me of beauty and love and hope. Here are some:

~We held an Open Stage at The Dale last Wednesday. One of our community members chose to share some of what she described as “blessings”: finding exactly the piece of clothing she needed at the bottom of a Thrift Store barrel, and then another time receiving unexpected care from a dog. While this person can no longer get up and dance the way she once did, she declared her hope that this might one day change. Then she proceeded to groove to the music others shared from her seated position. 

~There are tulips on my table. 

~My daughter Cate is settling into her job. I know it is no small thing to be working in her field, in an environment that she is loving. Seeing Cate’s name in the masthead of the magazine she is now Assistant Photo Editor for does not get old. 

~I play the piano and lead the singing each week at The Dale’s Sunday service. One of my favourite things is to stop singing and listen to the wash of joyful sound being made by the whole group. 

~I work with an amazing team. 

~The Gateway, a shelter for men that my husband Dion was the founding Director of, turned 25 on Valentine’s Day. Anthony, a longtime friend who started as a resident and then became an outreach worker said this, “25 years ago, I was on the street corner around the corner and this place- I watched it get opened. And when it got opened, I came in for a coffee and all that kind of stuff and a meal and stuff, and that evolved. It evolved into a relationship with people that worked here, people that resided here, and people accessing their drop-in. As I was already a member of this community, that was pretty easy. And without that, I wouldn’t be standing here today. I am a better person. I don’t think I was the worst person when I was in my worst times, but I was in bad shape. Without this place I would be dead, and many other people would be too. For humanizing me, for allowing me to be on this team for the last 16 years, to be able to serve alongside people, to house the homeless, I am forever in your debt. Thank you very much for my life.”

We talk at The Dale about how expressing gratitude is like flexing a muscle: the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Whether you think it big or small, it is good to share your gratitude out loud. For me, by expressing thanks, I feel better equipped to continue the meaningful and admittedly challenging work of community building and advocacy for justice in the middle of very broken systems. 

The things that I am concerned about did not just disappear as I prayed. I know pretending they don’t exist is not helpful. And, I want to feel more of that soft light I mentioned, whether there is actual sunshine to accompany it or not. I am grateful for how it warmed my tear stained face.