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Searching for Peace Amidst Change: My Sabbatical Journey

I am sitting in the sun as I write. I can hear woodpeckers but cannot seem to spot them. There is a light breeze that brings with it the heavy scent of lilacs. It sounds bucolic, though I am in the middle of the city. I am trying to sort out a wide assortment of feelings from a chair in my backyard, which has included me ugly crying in it. I have just completed week two of my sabbatical. 

These early days of my time off have caused both joy and discomfort. I am grateful for the gift that it is to have this sizeable chunk of time off. I feel supported and encouraged. And, right now I am also out-of-sorts. During my last week we held a funeral for a community member named Barry and learned of the death of another, named Phil. Grief upon grief, which I will attend to, except I’m used to grieving over time in the context of our community. I really miss The Dale. Then my daughter Cate moved out. I am excited for her and deeply proud of this step she has taken. This too is true: I really miss being in close proximity to her. 

As I navigate this time, I realize that I am used to the rhythm of rest that I have held for years. This includes Fridays as my Sabbath and August as vacation. When July rolls around I can feel my body anticipating the cessation of work during the dogdays of summer. But this year? Well, I don’t think my body understands exactly what’s going on. A number of people have suggested that I am likely more tired than I realize, which I can hear. Believe me when I say I know having this time is a privilege and I really want to settle into it and the rest it will provide.  

Part of the challenge right now is holding so many seemingly disparate feelings at the same time. I have to remind myself of what I often say to others: two things can be true at once. I can be grateful and sad. I can know there is wisdom in a decision and still find it uncomfortable. I can want to get out of the way and desire to be in the middle of the action. I can long for connection and solitude. Life is not a straight line.  

My counsellor and I talked about a phrase that I might say to myself when I am tipping toward anxiety about my absence from The Dale. I came up with this, “No matter what you do or don’t do, you are beloved.” I close my eyes and turn my head to the sky to say just that. The busyness in my brain begins to slow and my senses are heightened. I think of Barry and Phil in a way that makes me smile. I consider my love and esteem for The Dale Girls. I know that I will see Cate soon. Dion and I get to spend far more time together and he’s helping me ask good questions about this sabbatical. I am experiencing the care of The Dale community in a different way and know that they are also taking care of one another.  

The sun has moved its position. Occasionally a cloud passes over it and I sit in its shadow. A squirrel is digging in a container that I am about to plant some flowers in. Next week Cate and I will be going on an adventure of a trip. I just turned 50. This time is not moving fast. I imagine this means it has more to teach me about being present to the moment. Week three now begins.  

Postscript: Writing is an important part of the way I process, and so I will occasionally share about this sabbatical journey here on my blog. My sabbatical includes a commitment to be intentionally off-line about 98% of the time, and so I look forward to interacting more upon my return in September.         

Posted on by erinnoxford · 3 Comments

Our Love is Here to Stay

Music is wafting down the staircase from Cate’s room. I can hear her typing, working on a project. In just months, if all goes as planned, she will be working at the camp she has known since childhood. I will drive her up north and help set up her cabin. If it is a nice day, I might take a dip in the lake before hugging her goodbye and hopping back in the van. Dion and I will likely visit her once or twice over the course of the summer. We will have lunch in Parry Sound, wander through our favourite used bookstore, get Kawartha ice cream in waffle cones, admire the Georgian Bay, and then head back to Toronto before dark. In late August I will pick up sun-kissed, tired, and elated Cate. She will collapse into her bed and I will be grateful to peek in and see her sound asleep. This is a familiar rhythm, one that has been established over many years. 

The comfort of this pattern is soon going to be interrupted. This year, after I pick Cate up from camp, I will be helping her move into an apartment of her own, one that will be shared with a wonderful friend. As far as first apartments go, this one is pretty amazing: it is filled with light, has a view of the city and is steps from public transit. It is far enough away that Cate will be able to embrace new independence, while being close enough that we can easily see one another. I am thrilled that Cate can take this next step. And, I don’t know how to be ready for this monumental change. 

I have loved every stage of parenting Cate. Being her mother is one of my greatest joys. She has been since her arrival, a constant companion. In Cate’s early days she was almost always glued to me, either in a carrier, my arms, or somehow attached to my leg. I remember being content to let Cate’s confidence grow in her own time, and it did. It was and is a wonder to watch so many things emerge in her, including compassion and creativity. I believe this will just continue, recalling my own mother emphatically saying, “Erinn, parenting just gets better and better”. 

As much as I trust what my mom said, I find myself feeling anxious and scared about this transition. I can remember what life was like before having a child. What I don’t know is life with Cate that doesn’t include her living with me/us. It’s not that my identity is in question, or that I now doubt my value. I am many things, in addition to a mother. It’s not that I don’t want Cate to spread her wings. In fact, this is exactly what we have wanted to prepare her for. And so, what is it? It’s that I am going to miss her. A lot. 

Sometimes I look at Cate and catch my breath, reminded that I am hers and she is mine/ours. How wild that she spent nine months in me and came out with a head of auburn hair and a knowing look in her eye. I have learned so much from and with her over the last 18 years, about things like perseverance, forgiveness, routine, flexibility, loyalty, empathy, grief, adventure, fun, and love. I’ll never forget getting stranded overseas with Cate, just the two of us, after a major flight cancellation. She was the most patient person in a waiting room of exasperated adults and turned our ordeal into an escapade, one that included joining a high school prom at midnight, creating a meal out of finds at an after hours gas station, and travelling from one airport to another clear across town so that we could eventually get home (that story should be a whole entry of its own). 

I do have a lot to process. I am trying to address my anxiety and allow all the feels. I am talking to my therapist and sharing what is going on in me with Dion. Cate and I are talking about what this means for both of us, including me reading her this. I believe that Cate growing up is good and something to be celebrated. Right now, Our Love is Here to Stay is the music coming from Cate’s room. “It’s very clear, our love is here to stay. Not for a year but ever and a day. The radio and the telephone and the movies that we know. May just be passing fancies and in time may go. But oh, my dear, our love is here to stay”. In a whole lot of uncertainty, this I trust to be true: our love is here to stay.