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Searching for Peace Amidst Change: My Sabbatical Journey

I am sitting in the sun as I write. I can hear woodpeckers but cannot seem to spot them. There is a light breeze that brings with it the heavy scent of lilacs. It sounds bucolic, though I am in the middle of the city. I am trying to sort out a wide assortment of feelings from a chair in my backyard, which has included me ugly crying in it. I have just completed week two of my sabbatical. 

These early days of my time off have caused both joy and discomfort. I am grateful for the gift that it is to have this sizeable chunk of time off. I feel supported and encouraged. And, right now I am also out-of-sorts. During my last week we held a funeral for a community member named Barry and learned of the death of another, named Phil. Grief upon grief, which I will attend to, except I’m used to grieving over time in the context of our community. I really miss The Dale. Then my daughter Cate moved out. I am excited for her and deeply proud of this step she has taken. This too is true: I really miss being in close proximity to her. 

As I navigate this time, I realize that I am used to the rhythm of rest that I have held for years. This includes Fridays as my Sabbath and August as vacation. When July rolls around I can feel my body anticipating the cessation of work during the dogdays of summer. But this year? Well, I don’t think my body understands exactly what’s going on. A number of people have suggested that I am likely more tired than I realize, which I can hear. Believe me when I say I know having this time is a privilege and I really want to settle into it and the rest it will provide.  

Part of the challenge right now is holding so many seemingly disparate feelings at the same time. I have to remind myself of what I often say to others: two things can be true at once. I can be grateful and sad. I can know there is wisdom in a decision and still find it uncomfortable. I can want to get out of the way and desire to be in the middle of the action. I can long for connection and solitude. Life is not a straight line.  

My counsellor and I talked about a phrase that I might say to myself when I am tipping toward anxiety about my absence from The Dale. I came up with this, “No matter what you do or don’t do, you are beloved.” I close my eyes and turn my head to the sky to say just that. The busyness in my brain begins to slow and my senses are heightened. I think of Barry and Phil in a way that makes me smile. I consider my love and esteem for The Dale Girls. I know that I will see Cate soon. Dion and I get to spend far more time together and he’s helping me ask good questions about this sabbatical. I am experiencing the care of The Dale community in a different way and know that they are also taking care of one another.  

The sun has moved its position. Occasionally a cloud passes over it and I sit in its shadow. A squirrel is digging in a container that I am about to plant some flowers in. Next week Cate and I will be going on an adventure of a trip. I just turned 50. This time is not moving fast. I imagine this means it has more to teach me about being present to the moment. Week three now begins.  

Postscript: Writing is an important part of the way I process, and so I will occasionally share about this sabbatical journey here on my blog. My sabbatical includes a commitment to be intentionally off-line about 98% of the time, and so I look forward to interacting more upon my return in September.         

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Sabbatical Announcement: A Period of Rest and Renewal

Having spent the last few weeks telling The Dale community about this directly, I am ready to share the news more broadly: I am about to take a sabbatical. This is something I have been encouraged to consider for a long time. And for a long time, the timing was not right- until now. I am extremely grateful that this announcement has been met with understanding and encouragement. It has also evoked a number of very good questions. And so, I am going to share some of those, along with my answers here.

What even is a sabbatical?

A sabbatical (from the Hebrew: שַׁבָּת Šabat (i.e., Sabbath); in Latin sabbaticus; Greek: σαββατικός sabbatikos) is a rest or break from work. It is an extended period of time intentionally spent out of regular routine. It can be a variety of lengths. For me, it will be four months.

Am I burnt out?

No, I am not. I am excited to live into this time while being in a good place. I also believe taking a sabbatical is a preventative measure.

When is it?

My sabbatical begins on May 1st. I will be returning to The Dale on September 2nd.

Why now?

My daughter Cate is preparing to move out and launch her adult life. My husband Dion is living in Long Term Care. I am about to have a significant birthday. My life includes a large amount of loss that requires an attentiveness to grief. It took years, but The Dale is finally looking like it did pre-pandemic. I am bursting with ideas for The Dale and all that is happening around Story Nights/Days. All of this and more contributes to my needing some time to adjust and process this next stage of life.

What will I be doing?

Having sought the wise counsel of many people, I have decided to try and live into the tension of both structure and spontaneity. I will be focusing on rest, intentional time with family, spiritual formation, and visioning things for this next stage of life personally and at The Dale.

What will happen at The Dale?

The day-to-day of The Dale will continue without interruption. The staff team, together with our Board of Directors, a group of support people, and a community that leans into the call to full participation will keep things going. Joanna, Meagan and Olivia are going to do great, of this I am confident. I am proud of them. Please join me in celebrating their capacity and offering support through prayer and many good thoughts.

Will I continue to pray for people at The Dale and in Parkdale?

This question got me every time, and the answer is an emphatic YES. My love and care for this community has not changed and will continue wherever my location.

I have been in Parkdale since 2007 and have held my current role since 2012. I can hardly believe this adds up to 18 years. I have to confess the thing that provokes the most anxiety in me is being away from my long-term community. I love The Dale and feel loved by it. I also know that there is wisdom in embracing this opportunity and am definitely excited about it. I look forward to a break from routine, holding a posture of rest, listening for guidance about this next stage of life, and coming back invigorated and ready for more.

Postscript:

Many good things are already in the works for the fall, including Story Day 2025. Please put October 22nd on your calendar!

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Life, Loss, and Community: Reflections from a Meaningful Retreat

I had a dream the other night. In it I was surrounded by people I have been missing from The Dale since their deaths. We were all together in a room simply hanging out. One woman walked over and said, “I haven’t been able to give you a bear hug in a while”, and then proceeded to enfold me in a long embrace. It all felt both ordinary and extraordinary. I woke with a sense that I had just been given a gift, and I haven’t been able to shake that feeling since. 

In the weeks leading up to my dream, I found myself thinking of my friends a lot. This was especially true during the planning of our first community retreat since 2019. One day I had to pull out a file folder with the sign-up sheets from previous retreats, which took me down a rabbit hole of memories. Though I know exactly who is no longer with us, I felt overwhelmed by the volume of loss and the reality that they would have been some of the first to sign up for our excursion.

I continued to feel the absence of these friends during the school bus ride up north to Camp Crossroads, the settling into cabins, and eating our first meal in the lodge. At one point I lifted my face up to the sky and said, “they would have loved this”. The moment was broken when some of our group came outside to join me in looking up. Together we breathed in the air that smelled of pine and wood smoke, commented on the beauty of the lake, and chatted about the plan for the evening. 

Over the course of the next couple of days, we went on walks, sat on the dock, put together puzzles, played games, ate lots of food, slept, gathered around campfires, took out boats, and talked. Joanna and I jumped in, and very quickly out, of the lake. Meagan’s kindergarten aged daughter Charlotte drew pictures of people as gifts. Some gathered for Morning Prayer. On the last day we sang, shared gratitude, and took communion together. By the end of it people felt closer, some commenting on how they are now more a part of the community. 

The retreat helped me to grieve and to hope. I felt able to name that I was missing people. I also got to be present with an amazing group of people who did sign up and get on that bus. Maybe that’s part of what brought about my dream. Life continuing does not mean forgetting. And remembering does not mean excluding. The table is wide and there is always room for more.