Have you ever felt like you were in a free fall and entirely stuck at the same time?
I have. It’s a strange combination. It’s as though I was living in parallel universes: one where I walked up to the edge, jumped and began to spin out of control and one where I walked up and just stopped, paralyzed. I was thinking about this as I recently sat beside Cate on a plane, thousands of feet in the air. She kept looking out the window and saying, “it doesn’t look like we’re moving at all”. I tried to explain how fast we were really going, to which her reply was, “but it doesn’t FEEL like it”. Ah, yes, I know that feeling.
I’ve discovered that the way out of this feeling is to believe that whether I’m hurtling through the air or teetering on the edge, I need to trust. For me, that means trusting God. I need to cast aside my internal anxiety, which quietly resides in the pit of my stomach and move forward. The answer has not really been to make big future decisions, but to make the choice to do what is right in front of me, right now. As I’m more keenly aware of than ever, life can change in an instant. Worrying about things that have yet to happen prevents me from doing what I should today. Ultimately I am held in the palm of God’s hand, a place that I can trust is sure and real and safe.
Not too long ago I was on my way to a meeting that I was worried about (big surprise). I was faced with a choice: do I live in the worry or do something else? I firmly informed myself that I needed to focus on getting a coffee, actually enjoy drinking it and then drive myself to where we were gathering. Only upon my arrival would my focus change to the meeting itself. It sounds so simple, yes? And yet so very challenging. I’m truly learning a new skill.
While the plane didn’t seem to be getting us anywhere, we were able to disembark in a totally different region. Though I didn’t realize it during my time in those parallel universes, I have been brought to a different region too. It’s not that I’ve gotten off the plane in a picturesque, perfect place where everything is easy. Far from it. It’s that I’m more able to navigate the rugged terrain.
Trusting is a good feeling. I’ll keep working on it, one step at a time.